Back when I was waaaaaaay more active on this blog (the A’s represent the years of my dedication), I blogged about anything and everything…except I brought it really real…like really, really real.
It was all about the lists:
A) First, I dropped the HOT SAUCE list. I’ll have you know though, the number of chili sauces in my fridge has tripled and I’ma re-do it soon.
B) Second, I dropped the PICKLE list, cause, you know, pickles.
C) Third, I took it to the TUB.
Now, almost 6 years later, I present, my snack cabinet…because every adult eats crap like me.
From Left to Right, Top to Bottom:
1. No Name Brand Rice Cakes: There’s a reason why these assholes are in here. They’re a constant reminder that I have a choice when it comes to junk food…at that is not to eat crap cakes.
2. Ferrero Rochers: Because Christmas comes and Christmas goes, but chocolates last forever. They’re on the top shelf because I machine gunned the whole first row like braaaaaaaap!
3. Old Dutch Ketchup Chips: I thought about writing this list while I was pressing juice from apples and oranges. Except I was right next to this cabinet and I ate ketchup chips while doing it. Balance life. Yin and yang. Twins. Whistle in your ear.
4. Joe’s Tasty Travels Brand Chili & Lemon Picante Corn Nuts: Bought these at Walmart as a quick energizing snack. Brought them up to Sechelt and went on a hike. Ate these and GOT SO ENERGIZED!!! Brought the last little bit home and never touched them since.
5. Joe’s Tasty Travels Raw Premium Mixed Nuts (with 45% Almonds): See previous entry.
6. Almond Roca: If you look closely, then you’ll see 2 tins. If you look even closer, then you’ll know my snacks know no bounds.
7. Que Pasa Tortilla Chips (unsalted): I think Bandidas Tacqueria uses these…because melting ‘daiya’ cheese on these can easily fool you for good Mexican food, if it wasn’t for their hot sauce, which I think is one of the best hot sauces I have ever had, so, good job Bandidas.
8. Sunasia Old Fashion Style Chicharron: There’s a Canadian logo on it, there’s a picture of a pig eating it’s own pork rinds on it, there’s a picture of a sombrero hanging on a cactus on it and there’s the words “lasang pinoy” in a standard script font. I have no clue what’s going on with this bag of shit…and when I say “bag of shit,” I mean me, cause what the fuck am I doing eating fried pork skin?
9. Calbee Gluten Free Onion Thyme Lentil Crisps: Don’t be fooled. They’re just flavoured sticks. And they’re crispy. And everyone seems to fucking love these things. I’m more particular to the Salt & Pepper Snap Pea Crisps so these salad-dressing-tasting things can take a hike.
10. PC Blue Menu Microwave Popcorn: My SO makes popcorn and sprinkles nutritional yeast all over it. This is known to boost iron deficiency. I don’t lack iron in my diet because I eat red meat.
11. Lindt Swiss Classic Milk Chocolate Bar: I hate milk chocolate. I love Lindt. This is an impossible bar because it shouldn’t exist. Stay flat and hidden.
12. Lindt Lindor Milk Chocolates: Actually, I don’t like Lindt at all. Don’t try to sell me on that silky smooth shit. All candy is silky smooth when it’s in my mouth.
13. Carnaby Salt Water Taffy: My SO and I went to Lonsdale Quay one time and loaded up on their “artisinal” salt water taffy. They were delicious. These were not. I can’t decide whether they are just lower grade, mass produced candy or I just can’t eat that much salt water taffy.
14. 7 Select Candy Cup: I once told a client of mine that I stopped drinking juice and pop to cut down on my sugar intake. They were so impressed. Then I told them it was so that I could binge on 7-11 candy cups on the weekend. We stopped talking soon after that.
15. Yen Hoang Keo Sua Dua Nguyen Chat: Translated to Full Flavour Coconut Milk Candy. Basically, the only thing in this cabinet that I got up to have because I thought “damn, that sounds good.” Then again, I had a handful of ketchup chips and two ferrero rochers before any of this post even started.
16. After Eight Thin Dark Chocolate Mints: When I was a kid, I thought these things were the most sophisticated things in the world. Kids don’t eat these, aristocrats do. Aristocats can’t eat them cause cats can’t eat chocolate or else they die.
17. Great Value Gourmet Jelly Beans: Like Jelly Belly, only shittier.
18. Maynard’s Wine Gums: I took this bulk bag from work. We bought this from Costco to sell to a client who, in turn, probably decided that it was best not to stretch their staff dental plan with mass jaw misalignment.
19. The Complete Cookie: I saw “peanut butter” and got stoked. I bit into it and realized that it was made with no eggs and no dairy. It was vegan. My mouth knew. It always knows.
20. Holiday Reese Peanut Butter Clusters:v I fucking love these! My SO says they’re too sweet. I say they need to be around more than once a year.
21. chocolaTas: Designer chocolates by Wim Tas. See how his/her name was incorporated there? It’s clever. Too clever. I hate junk food that’s smarter than me.
22. Lay’s Wavy Original Chips: Why? Because on Christmas Day, I served these with french onion dip. Why? Because when else does anyone eat chips with dip…I mean, really?
23. Kinder Surprise Egg: I gave this to my SO and sister in law. They flat out refused them. I argued that the fun part is the surprise. They seemed annoyed with me. Then I got annoyed. Then I thought about how much I hate Minions and hoped to God that there weren’t Minion toys inside. They were Angry Bird toys instead. I miss the 80′s.
